Effing Dykes Presents: Just What Lies Beneath (The Woman Fingernails) | Autostraddle

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Krista

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Effing Dykes

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Hiya lezzers!

I had gotten marshmallows and gluten-free graham crackers, so…

WHO WOULD LIKE TO NOTICE A SCARY STORY??

MWAH





HA HAHAHAHA!

Get friend. Everybody got your pal? Great. Hold on tight tight your buddy’s hand.

‘Cause this really is a real story.

Ahem.

Once upon a time, when I ended up being therefore newly homosexual I Did Not have any idea I Found Myself newly gay…

An adult lesbian at the now-defunct queer bar known as


Za’s


in Green Bay, Wisconsin

(I became entirely just truth be told there to boogie)


gave me some guidance:

1)


Never ever open a shared bank account together with your partner



2)


You should not fake sexual climaxes



3)


Be certain that a female’s fingernails are thoroughly clean.

The wise lesbian was at the woman late 40’s, an age bracket up to now far from my 19-years-old-with-a-fake-ID self that i possibly couldn’t actually imagine just what it must be want to be thus old.

How unfortunate, I Was Thinking. Right here she actually is at a bar and she actually is old. I am hoping I do not finish depressed like the girl.

Is not it fun become the biggest market of yours market?

Exactly what just a little shit I was.

For some reason, however, I was presented with from

Za’s


that night saying the woman three policies to myself.

As I woke upwards, I thought of them.

It had been similar to during the sterling silver Chair, whenever Polly and Eustace Scrubb are billed by Aslan to keep in mind The indications.


Never become that you don’t re-read your Narnia boxed-set one or more times a year.

Anyhow! throughout the years, i remembered the three existence classes the lesbian had taught myself. Her guidance produced feeling.

We never unwrapped a mutual bank checking account with any person.

I never faked sexual climaxes once more after the first couple of occasions i did so it, realizing I became, in reality, dooming myself personally to a perpetual cycle of shitty gender by rewarding poor overall performance using my whines of “ecstasy.”

And that I always secretly inspected a girl’s nails before we slept with her.

Small? Check.

No rough borders? Check Always.

Clean? Its search time.

But the reason why, nymphos?


What is the fuss about fingernails?


What is from the short-nailed lesbian jokes? What?

I am talking about, alright, I get it. It is harder to fuck with very long fingernails. You can possibly puncture a lung or something.

But it is perhaps not difficult. I have had very long nails before for burlesque shows; screwin’ with ‘em ain’t all of that hard — you just ensure that you use the shields of the fingers.

So just why had been that lesbian very emphatic about clean nails?

All of you, she was



SO. EMPHATIC.

I made a decision doing some debunking.

Clearly absolutely nothing could truly happen to you in the event that you got shagged by some one with filthy nails.

After which I recalled an account so horrible I’d practically overlooked it.

Homos.

Bad shit sometimes happens.

This terror tale involves us due to my good-looking buddy ”


Cai



,” that observed more cunt in heat than a kitty hospital on complimentary Spay time.

Okay.

Cai


was a student in Miami whenever she came across a rather hot femme we are going to phone


Katie.

Katie


smelled like glucose snacks baking, wore a leopard-print swimsuit, had gigantic gold hoops that shimmered in the light, plus held one of the greatest asses


Cai


had previously seen.

She covertly texted myself a picture of

Katie

during the share so she could brag, and I also texted right back,


“I would personally hit that till my hand decrease off.”

So, yes,


Katie.

Cai


took


Katie


home that evening. There was some severe consuming.

While undressing


Katie


inside the half-light,


Cai


saw one thing she had not really observed prior to:



Katie had cool nails.

Actually,




Katie




had a lengthy, rhinestone-tipped French manicure. Juuuust like Rihanna.

Cai


cannot end the psychological picture of those nails clawing down her straight back while she fucked


Katie


, thus animalistic gender commenced.

Cai


also try to let

Katie


fuck their, although she typically never ever lets anyone do that. What the hell, she thought. Going house tomorrow. Never see this woman again. I’m able to get topped for a night.

Why don’t we fast-forward a couple weeks, shall we?

Some thing was actually wrong with


Cai’s


“area.”

Seriously, really wrong. It itched. It burned.

Some, um, greenish-yellowish stuff had been oozing as a result. So when I state some What i’m saying is exorbitant. amounts. of. pus.

Cai


refused to go directly to the lady-doctor.

Because getting encouraging is exactly what friendship is about, when she told me, we said,


“and that means you ultimately got the clap. Whorebag.”

Cai


laughed nervously. She went residence, googled “the clap” and became convinced that she did, certainly have actually gonorrhea. She went, the very first time actually ever


(she was 28),


to the queer-friendly community gyno clinic.

They failed to know very well what ended up being incorrect together.

They tested the girl for gonorrhea. They tried for syphilis, herpes, HPV, chlamydia, the works. Nothing.

Cai


was at some pain. She needed answers. She were placing the


‘pus’


in


“pussy”


for nearly four weeks today.

So that they provided the lady an ultrasound.

AND ARE YOU WILLING TO GUESS WHAT IT DISCOVERED.

Genital rips. All over the inside the woman vag.

Lots and lots of tears.

Cai


was indeed ripped to shreds. The woman insides happened to be dangling in ribbons. Looked like crepe-paper birthday ornaments in there.

And everything – every finally inches – ended up being infected.

It can appear whenever Katie made use of the woman fabulous very long fingernails to provide

Cai


a vigorous drunk-fuck, no one understood that the woman nails happened to be also a festering breeding ground for



bacterial vaginosis

.

Amazing.

Cai


states being a stone-cold top since that time.

My personal best friend wikipedia says you may get horrible problems from filthy fingernails. Apparently, you will find sometimes staphylococcus microbes hangin’ out, that may trigger such a thing from epidermis boils to motherfucking meningitis.

And you know what otherwise?

Pinworm eggs.

S’all I’m gonna state.

That wise lesbian was actually spot-on together with her life classes.

Never start a shared bank account with your lover.

Never phony orgasms.

And holy mommy of god, check an innovative new trick’s nails before fucking.

Or perhaps you are destined to endure the fate of Cai.

THE FINISH

I Must wonder, though…

Have of y’all ever become anything unpleasant from another girl’s fingers?

Or been aware of someone that did?

Or perhaps is this generally



(‘cept for Cai)



a lesbian metropolitan myth?

My personal hands tend to be inching towards the travel-sized Purell package.

Now I need responses.